No more running: Breaking free from the chaos that follows you

I’ve had so many chances in my life to get up, leave, and start over. To walk away from the toxicity, dysfunction, and chaos, and finally build a fresh start—one where no one knows the baggage I carry.

But that’s just it. It’s baggage.

There have been times when I did leave. I did try to start over. I built a new identity, a new life, thinking that if I changed my location, my surroundings, and the people I allowed into my world, everything would be different.

But low and behold—the toxicity, dysfunction, and chaos followed me. No matter how far I ran, there it was.

For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why. I kept trying to change my external circumstances, yet somehow, I kept finding myself in the same cycles, the same energy, the same pain.

It was only when I stopped running, took a hard look at the mess that was my life, and asked myself:

Why am I working so hard to change everything around me, yet I keep getting the same results?

And the answer - I was focusing on the wrong thing.

I was trying to escape the chaos rather than understanding why it existed in the first place.

I was trying to change my environment while ignoring the internal patterns that were shaping my reality.

The truth hit me like a ton of bricks: I wasn't the problem, but I was the problem.

The Turning Point: Facing the Internal Chaos

That realisation changed everything. Instead of trying to outrun my past, I decided to sit with it.

I started writing down the intrusive thoughts that wouldn’t leave my mind. Every fear, every belief, every destructive pattern - I put it all on paper. And for the first time, I started to interrogate those thoughts:

• Where did this belief come from?

• Is this truly mine, or was it something I was conditioned to believe?

• How much of my self-doubt, my fear, my pain—is actually mine to carry?

I remember reading somewhere that the average person has 60,000 thoughts a day—and that 90% of them are repetitive.

So if we grew up in an environment of negativity, dysfunction, or instability, then of course we’re going to repeat those same patterns. Of course, we’re going to find ourselves in similar situations, even in completely new environments.

The reality is, it’s not just about where you go—it’s about what’s happening inside you.

The only way to break the cycle is to stop running and start rewriting the script.

Taking Back Control

Healing isn't easy. It’s not a straight road. And it takes a special kind of person to say:

Enough is enough.

To wake up and say, I am not going to be a victim of my past anymore. I am going to fight for the life I deserve.

And not just once. Not just when it’s easy. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve cried enough. I’ve tried to run. I’ve convinced myself that a new environment would fix everything.

But no. No more running.

I am facing the chaos.I am unlearning the conditioning. I am taking back my power.

Because the grass is greener on the other side—not because the world changes, but because I change.

And I cannot wait to get there.